How Donnie Broke Up With Me

So, in two months, we're already 3 years. Something to look forward to, that's my way of thinking before. But, at this point, i don't know what to think anymore. So, we're alright now. I managed to "chase" him last Monday. 

As i arrived here in the boarding house. I felt like crying. i wanted to cry, really. But surprisingly, no tear is falling. Astonishing! 

I decided to write what he had done with me last week. It was really painful.

I love Donnie. More than anything in the world, really. More than myself, actually. 

*** It all started that Saturday (August 6, 2011). His cousins, siblings and i were drinking. Even though, I always tell Donnie how i feel about him treating me like shit, it feels like it was not enough. So, this ignorant girl, that is me, drank anything she could drink. It just took, 6 shots of mix/cocktail?, 4 shots of tequila and 2 bottles of tanduay ice for me to surrender. It was my first time ever to vomit. It was liberating and awful at the same time. I thought Donnie had my back, but he didn't even comfort me. Gosh, I was alone, vomiting. I know, Dianne's there with me in the comfort room, but i was expecting my boyfriend, to at least show any sign of care. He failed to do so. But i can't do anything. I was so drunk. I can't even look up. I just want to lie down. To Donnie's shame, he hurriedly took me to his house, and went away after. He went to another drinking session at his cousin's condo. I vomited for the second time at their house. I can't believe he was not there. I don't really feel well. He went home at around 5:30 in the morning and slept. So, we woke up at around lunch time, i smelled so bad (Mixture of sweat and puke is uncomfortable) He went to the gym and he promised that it will just take him an hour, but as usual, it did not happen. It took him four hours and i was so pissed off already. Come on, I look like crap! WTH! I thought he'll take me home so that i could take a bath. But NO. He went straight to MOA. FTW! Tell me! Can you come out looking like that? Post-drunk look? Gosh! He tells me everyday to "look pretty", but that time it's alright to look like and smell like that? Can you do that? Alam nating ikaw mas maarte sa ting dalwa, kaso, isipin mo naman? Ikaw nga bumaho lang damit mo, magpapalit ka na. Hindi pa ba enough na tinulog ko at pinagpawisan ko na yung damit ko plus yung mukha kong pangit na nga, hindi pa maaayos kahit konti? 

He broke up with me that Sunday and what you'll be reading below are all his text messages to me for that week...

Be the one to judge. I'm done questioning his stupid child-like behaviors. 

August 7, 2011

17:18 Tag ina tlga kim last na pgkkta na ntn to! Sawang sawang sawa nko sa ugali m! ayoko na tlg! Umuwi kna pls lng. Pls lng tlga.

17:20 Hndi ka tlga marunong mhiya sa pamilya ko! Ang KAPAL m sa totoo lng! I SWEAR AYOKO NA TLGA!!!


17:23 UMUWI kna pls lng tlga!!! UMUWI kna lucena!


17:26 UMUWI KNA! ! ! ! !


19:41 Umuwi kna! Tgas tlga ng ulo m!


23:36 Kim honestly speaking hndi nko masaya sa relationship ntn. Sorry.

August 8, 2011

1:02 Thanks for everything. :) take care always. Nyt. Mwah! :)


10:48 Nsa PGH ako kim. Wag m nkong intindihin pls lng. I'm ok.


10:50 kkdatng ko lng. Wag kna mkulit pls lng!


10:56 Eh d sa bahay!


11:12 Wla


From Globe
18:41 Hndi ko iniba yan kht kailan. _ _ _ _ _ _ pa dn!

August 10, 2011

13:42 Sa bhay knb? Kain kna ha.


15:41 2mwag ka nga now na!


18:35 Happy naman ako pmyag ka mgng frnds tayo. :-)


19:42 Pota 2mwag ka nga!


19:46 Tang ina bhla ka hndi m tlga ko mppsagot ng tawag m!

August 11, 2011

00:32 Good job. Goodbye na tlga kim!


2:18 Tang ina tlga!!!!!!! Tngnan m fb ko tom! Un mgcnfrm! Bastos!


6:57 Kapal ng mukha m! Mas weird ka loko! Wag knang mang istorbo pls lng.


11:12 Wla ka tlgang gnwa. Kim tapos na tlga. Tngnan m fb ko hndi ko na tlga bbguhin to. I SWEAR!


18:19 Nand2 nko sm banda. Pag nand2 ka bhay ok na.

August 12, 2011

21:17 Sungit ah. Nevermind dont bother to call. Nsbi ko lng hnhnap ka nla. Naistorbo pa kta. Sorry.

August 13, 2011

11:05 Pare what time tayo mmya?


16:26 Kapal ng mukha m! Porket 2mtwag ako feel na feel m naman!

August 14, 2011

5:49 Gus2 ko pag gcng ko nand2 ka!


13:56 Sorry. I gave you a lot of chances but still you did not do anything. Sorry nbura ko na mga pics ntn. Take care always. :-)


19:47 Pa twag ka nga


21:23 Pwede ko b txt parents m? Rep asap!


21:51 Nmi2ss m b ko?


21:54 Nice rep.


21:57 Nmi2ss dn naman kta. Kaso wla na eh. Bkit d ka nagttxt?


22:06 Ano b? Ayaw m b na ngttxt ako? Smgot ka nga!!!


22:14 tang ina ka tlga ang bastos m!!! gago ka hndi nako mgttxt tlga sayo!


22:20 Just tell your parents thanks for everything. Nyt.


22:48 2mwag ka.


23:17 hndi m alam dhl sa gngwa m mas nggng worst ung atin! Gago tngnan m mssaktan ka tlga! I SWEAR!!!


23:23 2mwag ka nga may sbhn lng ako.

August 15, 2011

5:51 Good morning honey. :) I think this is the last time na twagn ktang honey. I asked for a sign k God pero wla eh d m ngwa. Tngn ko ok kna naman and tntanggap m na dn. I just want to say sorry sa lahat ng ngwa kong kasalanan sayo alam ko mdmi un. I hope that you'll forgive me. Sana lng mgng frnds pa dn tayo kht gani2 and just txt me if you have any problem i will always be here for you. Ingat ka parati ha and pataba ka. Mwah!


6:54 Do you still love me? Twag ka nga.

"The best thing about a picture

is that it never changes,

even when the people in it do."

-Andy Warhol

100th Entry

It's my 100th entry and I don't know what to write!

I'm so tired with this packing.

I can't believe i will be hibernating from cyberspace for a while.

I already miss watching tv.

I keep remembering that time when i had chickenpox

and i watched tv all day long.

I hope I would be able to cope.

I hope it won't take too long before i can use

the internet, again.

I already miss the internet even if sometimes,

I'm bored with it already!

I miss home, already.

Homesickness! Go away! 

I feel sleepy now, but there's a lot of things to do.

But i have to do this. 

I need to help them.

I know I'm weak when it comes to these things,

but i can do this.

How One Can Make Me Feel Special.

I'm dreaming as i listen to one of my favorite songs right now. How i wish one special guy would walk-up to me singing this song. 


I could be walking or sitting somewhere. Somewhere outdoors. There would be lots of people. I don't know if I'm alone or i have a close friend with me. 


I know this person. We've been acquainted before or maybe I've seen him before. He had secretly taken pictures of me. Sounds stalker-ish right? 


So I will be walking at that specific location. Admiring the sceneries or perhaps just thinking profoundly. It's cold. The sun begins to set. The street lights will be lit. It adds a more dramatic effect on what will happen to me after a few minutes. 


I don't know but there should be a stage. So this can be a park? I don't know. 


As i walk a few steps, music begins to play. People stopped. I stopped. I looked and i saw a band playing on the stage or so i thought. We'll he doesn't have to be in a band for this just so it's clear. 


I know that song. That's one of my favorite songs. Suddenly the vocalist appeared on stage. He had this prologue saying "I offer this one to the girl of my dreams. I waited so long for this." He was so gorgeous. I can't take my eyes off him. He's like someone from my dreams. But he's familiar at the same time. 


Then, my heart skipped a beat, when i saw my pictures on screen as they play my favorite song. Beautiful stolen shots of me. I was shocked. People recognized me. They stared at me. I blushed. I was petrified but happy at the same time. My heart is beating so fast. I looked at him and i realized he's looking intently at me. He has this captivating aura, beautiful voice and enchanting eyes. I feel like passing out. It was so sweeeeeeet!!! I didn't even realized that the people went to the sides for him to give way to me.


He walked down the stairs right towards me. He's now one feet away from me. He's still looking at me. I can see the sincerity right from his eyes. I don't know what to do. He enthralled me with my favorite lyrics as he sings it in front of me. 

"I just wanna breathe in this feeling and never let it out. You just gave me something to believe in. YOU ARE THE ONE THING I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. I never thought that i would be the one to find, someone like you. Someone like you. I've led a selfish life until i realized I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU."

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's see what happens next. Ohh Love.

Emotional Abuse

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If  you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.

3 Filipinos were executed yesterday before lunch if i'm not mistaken. I'm so saddened about what happened. Though, i'm not crying anymore. I realized, i'm too attached with these kind of things. It worries me now. I should not be thiiis sensitive, ya think? I already watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.' I'm trying to love it, actually, because, you know, it's really a great movie. I just don't know why i got bored. It's a great movie, nonetheless. It's a profound movie. I'm going to love it. I love it. I'll watch it again and i'll see it. I'm now 'officially'addicted to bayw.

Nice to know: That one of the drugs used in lethal injection is Potassium Chloride which is found in EMERGENCY ROOMS as EMERGENCY DRUGS!!!! It can be found almost anywhere, actually. It is used to treat Hypokalemia! -Meaning low potassium in the blood. Abundant Potassium levels are found intracellularly while Sodium is extracellular. We can still find a bit of Sodium inside the cell and Potassium outside the cell for equilibrium. That's the normal anatomy. Safest route is p.o, oral -whatever you want to call it. Given IV comes with strict restrictions and observations. That's where we(nurses) come in and do our nursing management.   Well in this case, they're going for IV Bolus or what we call FAST DRIP!!!! CAUSING the heart to contract & contract until... It makes it seems that it's going to explode. Just imagine, the heart pumping blood in and out of the heart to the systemic circulation. The capillaries, veins and arteries WILL COLLAPSE. Bloody!

"Sticks and stones are hard on bones

Aimed with angry art,

Words can sting like anything

But silence breaks the heart."

-Phyllis Mcginley

9 DAYS TO GO BEFORE MY OATH TAKING! :)

This is actually my favorite. Err- they all are. Well, actually, everything that comes out from Jesse Eisenberg's mouth is just well-constructed and funny at the same time, for me.

Fluent. Well-expressed. Powerful. Articulate.

“I have this, like, general sense of feeling like I don’t belong, though I talked to a lot of other people who I think of as very much belonging and they have the same feeling. So I think it’s a room full of insecure actors, which is ultimately comforting.”

- Jesse Eisenberg 

‎

"No! I am, that guy is like my evil twin and that’s just Andy Samberg, those guys are such Nerds, come on, I invented Poking." -Mark Zuckerberg."

‎

Jesse Eisenberg on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I laugh so hard with this one... 

"I did get awards when I was a kid but they all said participant on them, which my mom actually told me it meant first place. So I was confused when somebody would hand me an award and they kind of apologize at the same time and say maybe you’ll do better next time. And I was thinking I just won first place, so how could I do any better? Yes. My mom raised me in a bubble of delusion. And now I’m out in the world and it’s jarring."

I was about to go to the dentist that Friday (March 11, 2011)  morning but i woke up late, as usual. So I didn't go, which made my boyfriend "mad" at me (you see- he acts as if he's always the boss and I need to follow all the things he says. No way! He's so unreasonable, don't you think? It irritates me so) It was 3 pm, i think, and he called me saying that there has been a Tsunami.

I searched it on the net, instead. There i saw on Youtube  the 8.9 magnitude earthquake followed by a tsunami that strucked Japan. I called my boyfriend, again. I told him, it's nearly impossible that the tsunami will hit the Philippines, Japan is too far and it would be coming from the north.

 ** Going back, there was a level 2 alert at 4 pm already for an upcoming tsunami (between 5 pm to 7 pm) to all the coasts of the North & South Eastern Philippines and the government forced-evacuated the people for safety. Five waves were noted, it think, and their length is less than a meter. I told you, it's too far. I'll begin to panic if the 28 feet tsunami from Japan changed to a hundred feet. It will definitely hit the Philippines and its neighboring countries.

I feel so terrible for what had happened in Japan as i watched the videos from Youtube. The earthquake was so strong, it could break all the buildings there if there weren't any rollers intact. I researched about earthquakes and read that 8 to 10 magnitude means devastation, already. Unbelievable! Nature is fuming.

So the ocean floor shifted somewhere (miles?) off the coasts of Japan, which made that daunting Tsunami, strong enough to washed off a lot of cars, ships, houses and anything that gets in the way. It's so scary to see strong currents of water grabbing a car that weighs how many tons, again? But anyway, what more if that's only a person? I wonder how the people reacted to that splashing water while it took them circling around with automobiles and debris. They must have been screaming for help. I feel so depressed for what they had been through. The children? The elderly? How cruel that must be.

The whirlpool even gave me goosebumps. I wonder, what are the mysteries under the sea? We don't know what's happening there every second and we can't observed that vast body of water that encapsulate the globe.

I read from an article today that Japan has been experiencing a total of 150 aftershocks... and still counting. The strongest one in record is a 6.2 magnitude earthquake. Okay that's really close to 7 . There were false alarms for possible Tsunami hit, again. I don't blame them. They've been through enough. **Please stop mother nature. What have we done to offend you?** People are still in shock and they are running out of supplies for food, water and everything that a human needs to survive. It's really cold and there's no electricity, meaning there are no heaters to keep them warm, they might suffer hypothermia. There's no cellular phones signal, that's why it's really difficult to keep in touch with their relatives. No new clean clothes to wear. There's an inadequate amount of gasoline now. How can the cars function without it? I've heard, all they're eating are instant noodles. Okay they're Japanese and they're well known to love noodles. But instant noodles everyday? That's not healthy.

My gosh. The fear. The trauma. Let's pray for Japan. Let's work together to restore their life and hope for good health.
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That night, he broke up with me and i was like-- okay. I find it comforting that I'm not bothered anymore about his attitude because I'm really fed-up. It's a nice feeling. I know now how to handle myself. He's so arrogant. How dare him broke up with me over and over again? Are you a girl or something? What an attitude! I'm done with you. If you don't want me, so be it, so much for me doing everything for this relationship to work. It's not healthy anymore and you're not deserving. I deserve someone who will treat me right. I hate your manners. It's like you're not even Catholic. You pray and go to church every Sunday but you act atheistic? My gosh!  You studied in a Catholic school but it seems like you didn't study 'Good Manners and Right Conduct!' You know what your problems ARE? You act as if you're thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis tall and that you're superior to everyone. I know men are egotistic but yours is just waaaaay beyond. You don't even respect your parents and your parents don't punish you for it (Kung kay mama ka nasampal ka na). That's why you're like that. Spoiled brat! I did my best. You're just really more worse than i thought. I love you, but you treat me like trash and I don't want that. I hope you learned a lot from your experiences with me. You don't know how to give importance to a person. It's not my problem if you'll never change. You keep on lying and denying. You know? -- to change means accepting what you've done is wrong. But your pride just won't make it.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I was internet surfing at 1 am in the morning when i read an article, again, that the nuclear Power Plant of Japan just exploded. I though it was an old news but i saw "35 minutes ago" written after the title. The first thing that came into my mind is 'radiation'. I searched for pictures and it confirmed that there was an explosion. That was so unpredictable and utterly ill-fated. I feel bad for the country. They've just been through a horrible nightmare then after one day, this explosion took place. Japan's government were already overwhelmed by the tsunami, what more when that nuclear explosion happened? It all came so suddenly. The world is not prepared for this. The Japanese government can't even provide the supplies that the people needed and we can't blame them. They said, they're running out of body bags and that's just heartbreaking.

*I'm tired of playing Farmville, Cityville and Treasure Isle on Facebook, just now.

*Remind me to watch Black Swan, The King's Speech, Zombieland, Adventureland and The Roommate...

*I really need to go to the dentist now. I swear i'm going tomorrow.  I swear. I really need to go. Tomorrow's like my deadline for my teeth fixation.

*That means, i need to go to sleep early tonight and i need to stop downloading, blogging, researching and playing Facebook games because it's addictive and tiring at the same time. I don't want to wake up at 1 pm again.

*For now, I'm not going to sleep. I need to wake hun up by 6 am and it's already 4:15 am. I'm not sleepy actually. I'm gonna try not to sleep so that i would sleep early tonight. Hopefully.

*I can't believe my video downloader is about to expire. I think, i only have 4 days to go. But i need to lessen my downloads today or else i'm gonna be addicted again and i can't gamble this day for i really really need to go to the dentist tomorrow. Uninstall then install, again.

*Oh no. My laptop. I need to turn off my laptop already.

*Well maybe, i'm going to sleep after i woke hun up. I need to wake him up. He has this rtd thingy today. I wish him luck. I love my boyfriend, it's just that he treats me bad and i'm letting him.

*btw i really want to experience blogging in the morning not in the afternoon, or at night or at dawn. Hopefully! Fingers crossed.

Facebook Revolution

Anyway, I swear I have witnessed "The Facebook" back in 2005. It was the time when the Facebook expanded to Europe or England if i may say so. Facebook got well-known here in the Philippines by 2007? or 2008? I can't believe, I've known Facebook years before it was famous here. Cool!

You see, I have this British cousin named Raymond. I met him January 5, 2005 if I'm not mistaken. He was so fond of me, when he got back home, he kept on calling me. But as you all know the entire globe has a time difference. I remember him calling me at 4 am in the morning. Since Philippines is 8 hours advanced then it's about 8 pm British time. I usually wake up at 5:30 am to get ready for school. Talk about lack of sleep. Sometimes he calls me during the night (here), though.

I wasn't bothered, actually. I find foreign people, interesting. He's pure Filipino, though. He's just born and raised in Oxford. But "bloody hell", the accent's just difficult to understand.  And i was a Harry Potter fanatic back then. So i was interested n Britons! I remember telling him.. "come again?" over and over.. I learned a lot from him especially the difference between American English and British English. I've always thought they were the same until that time. I'll share that, some other time. :)

So one time, we were talking and he was like "Do you have Facebook?" and i was like "What's that?" He said "It's sort of like Friendster" and I replied "I don't have one." Then he said "You should make one." Friendster was really famous back then but I don't even have an fs account that time. I joined fs back in 2006 and my functioning fb in 2009. I don't really know why i didn't make an fs account back in high school. We have an internet connection as early as 2001 and I've learned computers as early as 1997 - when i was in grade 1. Maybe I want to be different and i don't like things that are so mainstream. All of my classmates were so into it, I actually found it corny. Peace! But i did join fs. So don't get annoyed. Oh well!

One night I became so curious on Facebook, I tried to make one. To my dismay, I couldn't get in. I couldn't get passed the choose-your-school registration. I have to choose my school back then and my school was not on the list. I'm afraid to use other schools so i didn't bother anymore.

When Facebook got so famous here, I was like "What the? Facebook? That site i tried to register years ago?" That explains why I couldn't join Facebook when it was a rising social network here. I could have that account way before people knew.

Friendster died and all people were moving to fb. It didn't matter, actually. My laptop broke and I moved out to a dorm and there's no internet connection. So i lived in silence without the social network. It was only when my boyfriend made me an account. I didn't check fb that often. I think I'm checking it once every 3 months. Haha. I was busy with school and my dorm mate's laptop is also broken. (lahat sira?)

I got obsessed with Facebook last year only. And can you believe it, I've been starting to play Farmville just now? Haha...

So it's only now that i realized why it was like that before. It was designed to invite people from selected schools only. But now, it's worldwide. I'm just wondering how i saw Facebook before. I'm being sappy again. But forgive me, I saw Facebook before my friends saw it. I could have had that account for 6 years now.

I got so curious, i keep on playing social network again and again... I saw how Mark Zuckerberg made the designs for the page. I wondered - did i see the exact same thing?

-- this is The Facebook for Harvard only.

-- this is The Facebook for the Ivy League schools and all the other big school in the United States.
I can't believe I didn't read it. Haha.. How come Boston University was there? Was it because of Jessica Alona? Maybe.

I don't remember the registration page, even for a bit. I just know that i knew it when it was famous abroad.

-- This is the Facebook that i know. This is what i used to see before when i login. I wish i knew what Facebook looked like before.

-- This is Facebook now. The future of Facebook is all about phones now - at least that's what I've heard on Mark Zuckerberg's interview on 60 minutes. Got it fresh from my desktop. I don't want the future. I want the past. I want to be part of Facebook when it was just starting.. Sigh*

But when i think of it. 50 years from now, i shall be part of Facebook's history. I am one of the Facebook generation. The welcome page would change as time passes by so i have this little treasure of mine here in my blog. Uhm... Blogger... please don't die,so that i can show this to my grandchildren.

Long Live Facebook.

& Blogger

BTW, I should've registered on Facebook under a different school back then...
Sorry for mentioning Facebook too much. So redundant! No time to edit!

Some words are altered due to the unfathomable British accent. This is a fraction of my favorite episode from Girls in Love waaaaaaaaaaay back.

[Dan]  Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Sorry if I interrupt the
           entertainment but I would like to sing
           something for someone who needs a little nudge.

[Ellie]  Dan get down!

[Dan]  Shut up for once in your life. This one’s for you.


Sings “She’s the one” by Robbie Williams. – he might not know how to sing  but it was soooooo sweet.

♫ I was her she was me
We were one, we were free
And if there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

“When you get to where you wanna go

And you know the things you wanna know
You're smiling

When you said what you wanna say
And you know the way you wanna say it
You'll be so high you'll be flying

Though the sea will be strong
I know we'll carry on
Cos if there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one ♫

[Dan]      Give me ten seconds Elle.

[Ellie]     I know.  I know all about it. It’s fine with me. We’re not even friends.  

[Magda] Elle shut up and give him the ten seconds.

[Dan]      Kalisha isn’t my girlfriend and never will be, she’s my cousin, and when you saw us together I took the chance to make you JEALOUS when all I ever really wanted was for us to be together and for you to admit that you really like me cause in fact I know that you do.

[Ellie]    Time’s up.

[Dan]     So?

[Ellie]    So what?

[Nadine]Say you like him.

[Ellie]    Excuse me this is private. Have you got a date to the buffet or
              something?

[Dan]     Elle, when we kissed it was the best thing that ever happened to me and I want  you to say the same

[Ellie]    In your dreams… (Some missing lines)

[Dan]     Last chance Elle and after this we can only be friends.

[Ellie]    Okay…………. I felt……………. I felt……………. Dan.

[Dan]     Elle.

[Ellie]     …….. I felt the same.

[Dan]     You sure?

[Ellie]    Don’t push me.

[Dan]     Nah! It’s just, you know, if you weren’t sure then we could…

Dan kisses Ellie.  ♪ She’s the one. ♪

-FIN-

Omg! This nostalgia is making me grow backwards.  I thought I was losing my mind but it turned out I wasn’t the only one missing Nick’s tv series’ from the late 90’s to 2006. It seems like, nowadays, media is becoming a bad influence making women even more anorexic and insecure whilst men become, aggressive and immoral.  I have nothing against contemporary shows but some people agree that shows before were much more discreet - - there are actually morals in it. Yes, it was corny and it had a lot of fashion tragedy but I wouldn’t trade and deny the fact that I’ve lived those golden years that made me become like this now. Makes me realized that you only live once.  Better take chances and make good decisions than take chances and make regretful ones.  We only have two choices, one is the right but looooong path to victory and the second one is the fastest path to go astray. 

Why can’t civilization be fast-growing and ideal at the same time?

Do you know how it feels to be invisible? Because, I do.

I'm in hell right now. Too many problems at once. I don't know how to cope with it. I can't wait for the day that I'll look back and feel a lot stronger because of this (what I've been through) I'm so down, I can't even measure how deep it is. Everything's falling out of place.


I feel so unloved, disrespected, neglected, ignored, rejected, and uncared for. He made me feel like this again. This time it's a lot more confusing. When I called him, he's already mad at me. He said he hated my attitude and he can't take this anymore and that "it's near."  - (The Break-up) Yes! People. He loves to threatened me with that almost every single day. I was so shocked. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. So I asked him over and over again. He won't answer, he's not even listening to me.  I bursted into tears.  I told him how I felt and he said ''he's not in the mood''. I asked him what I did wrong and he said ''I already know''. I said ''I didn't know'' and he said ''shit Kim''. I told him how much he's hurting me - no response. He hanged the phone and slept. So I cried like I'm dying inside. Now I'm really feeling that he's really pushing me away to the limit until I give up. I can also feel that he met someone. You don't know how broken my heart is, right now. I'm so emotionally imbalanced. I'm so depressed. I'can't even write my feelings out. He sucked out all the strength in me again. . I can't do anything about that anymore. I just wished he'd pull me out of my misery and be honest. He's making me feel miserable while blaming me for this failing relationship that in reality, is his fault. He's projecting his wrongdoings in me so that he won't feel guilty. I've always thought he loved me (that's hurting me the most). I can't believe he can do this to me. Then tomorrow he's going to blame me for not calling him and all that countless reasons about this and that. Then he'll threatened me again. This is a cycle. It's really killing me. I'm so unhealthy.  I can't write anymore.

Everything he said were all lies to lure me. He made me believe in everything that he said. I can't believe I gave him a lot of value while I- was nothing. I can't believe I was so serious with him. This is not the relationship I wanted. I'm sorry if I sound selfish but at least I always make sure that I do my part. I can't believe him. I 'm not that significant after all. That's not what I was expecting. My heart broke.

Somewher in between, I find it unfair, we're both in Manila and his parents are with him while I'm alone - leaving my parents behind?

"Nung college magkalayo na tayo, pati ba naman after graduation, magkalayo pa rin, hindi ko na alam kung magwo-work pa relationship natin kung ganun. Hindi ko alam kung tatagal tayo pag umalis ka ng bansa, Syempre hindi ko alam ginagawa mo, magkalayo kasi tayo."

Am i asking for too much? Have I sacrificed too much already? Am I being negligent of my family? Because it suddenly seems clear to me. I was denying it at first but -Yes. I made him my world.

WORLD PEACE

I feel like I want to go to med. school, be a surgeon and then help the people, free of charge. I don't know. It might sound unbelievable but I have this urge inside of me. I really want to help Africa. I feel like I can hear the people crying out for help. It breaks my heart. How can people hurt their fellow citizens? How can they kill people? Where's the conscience in there? I'm still young, and I'm still not too late for med applications. So that's gonna be my goal -to be a doctor. It might not be now but in the future. Sigh* I so wanna help Africa rise from the nightmares that they've gone through. People starve and people die not only because of murder but because of sickness.

I felt that a lot of times, you know -- that feeling where you were able to help someone without wanting something in return and then they say this sweetest 'Thank You' like you've never heard of it before. The smiles were just rewarding. Fulfilling. Isn't it better if there's no war? I know it's impossible but why can't we think positively? This Sunday I'm not only going to pray for my loved ones but for all the people especially Africa. Let's pray for world peace.