The North Exposé, Courses and Mishaps

Re-post from FB || August 23, 2010 at 10:17 pm

I'm not the kind of person who follows what people tell me to except for a moment in my past, that I did. However, never in my whole life will I let people influence me unless I know it will be good for me.  I had a tough training for ethics (Talk about rigid toilet training during my anal phase in Sigmund Freud's Psychosexual Theory or Ivan Pavlov's Theory- something like that, I don't remember my toddlerhood that much) When I was young, I always said that I wanted to be a lawyer and I'll sueeveryone I know who practices unlawful things. My mom and brother would laugh hysterically about my intentions for I have a comprehensive list of people I wanted to prosecute back then. I still have a list ;) I'm the comical type back home and the quiet, serious type in school.  

Never in my whole school age and teenage life, have i thought of becoming a doctor as my career in life. I don't know why. I've thought of Interior Designing back then 'cause i love to rearrange ourfurniture in the house. If you've witnessed my high school life and you've set foot n my house then you'd know how OC i am and how organized my room is. That thought got lost somewhere. Then I don't want to gamble my life in Accounting or anything that has to do with a lot of Math... So No for me... hahaha.. I'm too sluggish too learn how to cook. I was scared of cooking before so uncheck HRM for me. Tourism. Height? No. Advertising? Sigh. Journalism? Big regrets.* and many more... Somewhere in between I'm sure I said "When I grew up I want to be a nurse someday". I said that because I'm indecisive at that young age and I just want to get it over with. I found that questionboring, so when my other teachers would ask, I'll say "I want to be a nurse". Period. Anyway, I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. It's just too much for me. My brain might explode. Haha... and besides my nursing Jurisprudence subject didn't interest me much. Kudos, to the people taking up Law. :) About medicine? I've come to love it when i was having my hospital duties back then (Prescribe, write the D.O.s, superior, big stipends, privileges) I don't know, I'll leave you hovering on my thoughts for now 'til i know what to do with you. 

I know I'm going to regret this situation of mine one day and I know somehow, I need to let my frustrations out and deal with it. If not, it will have a negative effect on my future. Those days have come actually; this is just one of them. I already did, some 2 years ago when I didn't transfer to SBC, or some 4 years ago when I didn't enroll Pharmacy in UST. Thank you Raissa for reminding me, I should've taken Psychology instead like I said back in fourth year or Computer Programming. But here I am and sadly I can't turn back time. The more I think about it, the more I get perturbed. I can't believe I went as far as Baguio (Where the only good thing is the weather but nowadays, global warming is kicking in).

Come to think of it, I had a few good moments in that school. *take note for "a few". Let's include the time that global warming was so awful, we could fry an egg outside the house, at least i'm exempted 'cause it's cold. haha... The times that I was in my highest feat during my college days; which I thought would never end. Those days that my subjects seem to be so easy, and I wasn'tl stressed out at all. Those times when I knew all the answers to my exams and my results were allperfect.  Those times when my name was in the very first page of the Dean's list (for the whole University). Those times that I was in the staggering top 5 of my department. Those times that I thought, I'd be cum laude. Yes, those times. But it didn't happen and to my surprise, I didn't regret it. Honestly because, I never loved my course completely and that's the reason why I didn't give my best. So choose your course wisely, love it, and be the best.

For me, studying is never about reading and memorizing only. I remember I had a lot of good sleepback then. Gosh! I can't believe my brain was in good shape before. I never thought I would love other science branches aside from astronomy...haha ... Anatomy is one of my fortes. I loved seeing my block mates with their puzzling look and me- i was smiling. I sit quietly as I looked on my perfect quizzes whilst my seatmates would say, "how come you knew all the answers?" Duh! I studied (Did you read?) was my answer (in my brain). Discussions were really important for me. That's my target. Good discussions + good reviews = perfect quizzes. When we study, we need to make sure that we love what we're doing and that we're curious enough to boost our motivation (That's my belief). Environment is very important for me, also. I can study in the deafening spots to the mosttranquil places but first, I have to be interested. I need to be interested in order to "really" study. I never said, it includes bars and malls. Even if I studied in Manila, I would never have learned how to drink. I chose not to. I chose to be the only sober one in the family. kidding*haha... But it doesn't bother me if people or my friends want to try it. I don't control their lives and maybe it gives them a lot of endorphins to be contented with that feeling. We differ in a lot of ways. I'm not ending my sentence that I won't drink or i won't even take a sip. That's so superficial. Anyway, perhaps how well-known a school would help me. It would pressure me. I love pressure. It would pressure me tostrive harder and harder. Moreover, if only the professors were passionate with what they're discussing, then maybe I should have listened. I don't like professors who talk to the chalkboard and dismissed you after 30 minutes. After a few days they give you an alienating long quiz- no advance reading will help you. Some were unfair in giving grades and like to get personal.  I can go on and on and on...

Do you know the feeling when it's cold and you feel so depressed? That's called Seasonal Affective Disorder. We all have it in some ways. We'll its cold here compared to other places in the Philippines. It made me nostalgic. It became one factor + add the ones above this paragraph.

Studying here was my utmost nightmare. I was culture shocked. I can't believe there were people like that, and they're all in one school. Crab mentality was so high and stereotyping was just so unforgivable.  Being from a catholic school and all, it was all so new to me- it shocked the hell out of me. See, back in high school there were catfights and petty thoughts but that's justnormal. And I believe that my batch mates and I are well-raised, well-bred, well-mannered... I believe in my batch mates so much (MC) :) But here... Woah! You could never imagine. I was always suspected that I was from Metro Manila. Quezon kasi. They didn't listen, I said province next to it... not city. There started those side comments.  "Maarte daw kasi taga Manila." O tapos feeling nyo maganda ginagawa nyo? Then you'd accuse them? Duh! Pano yung mga kababayan nyong nagaral dun? Traydoran na? So what kung maarte? Edi maginarte din kayo. GO WITH THE FLOW.  Thenkung maliitin naman daw kasi sila sobra. For that accusation, I don't blame them. Yes, i've heard some people making fun of their traditional costumes or some different cultures that we don't know of etc, but that doesn't mean that they could just generalized everyone. Some are not even from that culture- they're from places near Manila also. Then why? Insecure? There's this thing called hasty generalization in logic. They did that. Some people lack communication. Some are  close-minded. But of course not all people here are like that, there are always the opposites. People here come from different places. Good people here are just unbelivably polite. Some of my friends here got thatproblem, too.  Besides I died already if that was the case. I'm just so unfortunate to encounter such human beings. I didn't study with my best right there. It was so confusing and hypnotizing. Manipulative! One factor also. I need to let go of my harsh memories here. I just feel sorry for them. I understand now. I hope one day they'll change and grew out of it. And I hope no one would experience the same things like i did.

Oh I'm 90% good at Psychiatric Nursing but considering that I'm easily depressed, for now. I won't pursue psych nursing. I'll fail my self-awareness exam and I definitely don't want to join the mentally ill patients in the psych ward.

Sometimes I thought I should have studied elsewhere and perhaps things might be different.

I have a lot to offer. I can be the best.

But there's no more backwards, just forward.

I've realized this is only the beginning. I SHALL NOT YIELD.

I think I'm on the stage of the last A in DABDA -as the 5 stages of grieving. Acceptance. I accepted the fact about my frustration regarding my course.

I can just improve it. I can still study elsewhere. I can still be the best.

Who knows maybe i'll pursue the Ivy League and study at Oxford U. or perhaps I won't study anymore. But I will resolve that and be somebody different. Better.

I shall prevail.

*Sorry for the typographical errors, grammatical errors or misspelled words.

I find it hard to edit this, my lcd has gone mad. haha

I'm having a throbbing headcahe because of it.

I'll edit this next time ;)

Nonsense

Re-post from FB || August 22, 2010 at 12:09 pm

I don't know what's going on to that head of yours and i don't like it. You've done that so many times before, what reaction do yo want me to have? Smile like nothing's wrong? Honestly, I've actually seen that coming. I don't find it shocking. Disappointing is what it is. Gosh, I've seen that coming and I still can't believe it. I can't believe you. Why do you do that? Am i not that enough for you to stay for a night? You need to go to a different place to forget? You need to vent out those feelings somewhere with somebody. Say, your friends. So that makes me what? What's your defense? They're your friends and you need to go? You don't go out EVERYDAY anymore that's why i can't refrain you from doing so? You're too mad, you can't stay? How about that night, was it the same then? If it was the same, then what? You'd still feel the urge to go or you would have stayed?  So what's the point of going out? You forgot you have a girlfriend, waiting for you, thinking about you? Then you wouldn't text me because you have this over-the-top pride. I wouldn't know where you are, yet you'll blame me because I'm not talking to you. Then you'd text me saying I really am something and all those make-up stories you can think of and reverse-psychology me. You'll say sorry afterwards. What's the sense of saying sorry if you've done it already considering you have choices. It's not even forced to you. You forced me to. You just chose to go astray every time that happens? Really, you can go on a whim because you said so? You can go on a whim even if i said, no? You have this indepedent decision going on and on and on. Where am i in that? You know it sucks that im not included. Maybe you should be my role model and do the same. It's like there's nothing wrong with it for you. You think that you're always right because you're doing it like nothing is WRONG. These are the actions you should regret doing, you know. Obtw, you'll say this is just a small thing, and that it's nothing. I'm never angry that you're with your friends, only your thoughts count for me -your hardheaded persona. Don't you blame me that im not talking to you. You said so yourself. "BABAE ako, LALAKI ka". I know i dont have a lot of privileges like you because you're a guy. I'm over that argument now. I'm actually thankful that you're protecting me. I have accepted the fact that im not conservative enough for you considering im always at home -I'm glued to it. You know it doesn't surprise me, my mom raised me like that. What's confusing is that even for an inch of air, you can't let me. But i don't want to argue about that anymore. So LALAKI ka pala. Magpakalalaki ka. If im not mistaken men have initiative, too. Men need to be patient, too.  I know you can't read my mind. Men can't read minds unlike us girls. Run towards me. I can't kneel for you this time. This is not my fault.  What do men do to women? You seem to know a lot about your capabilities as a man. SHOW ME. The only fact is, you can't lower your pride like i do.

Chloe Sullivan: "Hi, Clark. well, this is gonna make quite a story. Clark Kent Ends-Record-Breaking-Perfect-Attendance-Streak. (Laughs) Sorry I'm doing it again. I just... I've never seen you sick before, and it just got me thinking. What if something did happen to you... and i never got to...? So in yet another classic maneuver to avoid emotional intimacy... I wrote my feelings down so that i could read them to you... thereby avoiding embarrassing eye contact."

"I want to let you in a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin. I'm surprised you haven't see right through me. I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes I wanna rip off this facade like I did at the spring formal... but I can't, because you'll get scared and you'll run away again. So I decided that it's better to live with the lie than expose my true feelings. (This is so much easier when you're unconscious) My dad told me there are two types of girls... The ones you grew out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter... but i'll let you go for now hoping that one day you'll fly back to me. Because I think you're worth the wait"


I miss this episode where Clark got sick and Jonathan Kent refused to take him to the hospital. He was so worried when the doctor was about to get blood samples from Clark. He was worried that the needle wouldn't pierce Clark's body of steel... haha.. But it did! Chloe's such a grrrrreat writer.

My boyfriend doesn't want me blogging. What else can i do? I can't drink (I don't even drink) I can go out at night with my friends (He said they're all bad influence on me) I can't go in reunions with my batch mates (He said there are men who could take advantage of me) I can't even go to the mall at ease (He said why do i need to go there?) In short. He wants me to stay at home. The bad part is that I'm letting him while he drinks his way out of his "anger with me". He can do everything he wants while I can do nothing. I feel imprisoned and I'm letting him.

I can't believe he can't support me with my writing. One time, I wrote this masterpiece of mine on Facebook and he just read the title and that's it. I'm a woman. I want to be appreciated. I hate this feeling. Sometimes I ask myself if he looks at me as his girlfriend. Oh yeah! Sometimes yes - when he smothers me with my life. Usually no, when he ignores, neglects and rejects me. He doesn't even respect me. He swears on me, all the time. I can feel that you want to slap my face now? And you're asking me, why are you letting him do this to you? Do you know what my answer is? It's because I really love him. I'm so blinded by love, someone once told me. Darn it.

I wish...

...it's easy to end this.

...it would end now, if you won't change.

...if you don't want it to end, then change and make me happy.

...letting go is easy.

...there's another way to get through this.

...i'm not thinking about this every single day.

...i feel important because you made me feel as if i'm not.

...i don't feel like trash again and i don't want to hear swearing again. 

...i didn't learn swearing from you.

...you didn't make me feel thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis low.

...you're the man I've always imagined.

...you won't hurt me, over and over again.

...you won't make me feel rejected, neglected and ignored.

...i'm happy.

...i'm not always sad 'cause it's making me unhealthy.

...you don't have that temper, you always show me.

...i feel beautiful because you make me feel so ugly.

Nomad

I just kept on wandering here in cyberspace and i ended up exactly where i left off. This will be my 2nd account here in blogger due to my stupidity and laziness from the first one. It was five years ago, the account has been buried and i don't even remember how to open it. Sure Facebook's just great but I can't really express myself in there.  Multiply became an online business site and Friendster is dead. Livejournal's okay but it felt so empty -- unlike here in Blogspot (so full of energy and positive vibes...just what i need) I'm determined to keep this site. Good night for now. It's 2:10 am (+8 Philippines)