"Ad Astra Per Aspera"

Do you know how it feels to be invisible? Because, I do.

I'm in hell right now. Too many problems at once. I don't know how to cope with it. I can't wait for the day that I'll look back and feel a lot stronger because of this (what I've been through) I'm so down, I can't even measure how deep it is. Everything's falling out of place.


I feel so unloved, disrespected, neglected, ignored, rejected, and uncared for. He made me feel like this again. This time it's a lot more confusing. When I called him, he's already mad at me. He said he hated my attitude and he can't take this anymore and that "it's near."  - (The Break-up) Yes! People. He loves to threatened me with that almost every single day. I was so shocked. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. So I asked him over and over again. He won't answer, he's not even listening to me.  I bursted into tears.  I told him how I felt and he said ''he's not in the mood''. I asked him what I did wrong and he said ''I already know''. I said ''I didn't know'' and he said ''shit Kim''. I told him how much he's hurting me - no response. He hanged the phone and slept. So I cried like I'm dying inside. Now I'm really feeling that he's really pushing me away to the limit until I give up. I can also feel that he met someone. You don't know how broken my heart is, right now. I'm so emotionally imbalanced. I'm so depressed. I'can't even write my feelings out. He sucked out all the strength in me again. . I can't do anything about that anymore. I just wished he'd pull me out of my misery and be honest. He's making me feel miserable while blaming me for this failing relationship that in reality, is his fault. He's projecting his wrongdoings in me so that he won't feel guilty. I've always thought he loved me (that's hurting me the most). I can't believe he can do this to me. Then tomorrow he's going to blame me for not calling him and all that countless reasons about this and that. Then he'll threatened me again. This is a cycle. It's really killing me. I'm so unhealthy.  I can't write anymore.