Im back from outer space! Nah! haha... But Im planning to go there and see what the fuss is about.

I don't know what to think. It's weird. I'm ambivalent. It's weird, I swear. My thoughts are killing me. I don't know what to do, and what not to do. Okay, perhaps I'm in-denial? What weird ways I  have right now. How could I? It's almost 6 years. I'm like in-denial and angry at the same time? But am I done with depression? As the days pass by, it gets harder. Doesn't breakeven, yeah right! How do you forget? But I'm thinking of pretending im okay. I hope it works. I feel so alone and my friends (the ones that I want to be with) are unavailable. What an ordeal. God help me.

I want to not think of you, If you will not come back. If you will, can you hurry? I don't want to wait for you. Can I not think of you?

Donnie will never change
I hate that attitude of him. I hate you Donnie.

It felt like it was a nightmare while I was sleeping yesterday... To summarize, the setting had snow. Kuya Jake was there. A phone. A stuffed toy dog and to my surprise-- Mori.

D started working in Smart last thursday.

How Donnie Broke Up With Me

So, in two months, we're already 3 years. Something to look forward to, that's my way of thinking before. But, at this point, i don't know what to think anymore. So, we're alright now. I managed to "chase" him last Monday. 

As i arrived here in the boarding house. I felt like crying. i wanted to cry, really. But surprisingly, no tear is falling. Astonishing! 

I decided to write what he had done with me last week. It was really painful.

I love Donnie. More than anything in the world, really. More than myself, actually. 

*** It all started that Saturday (August 6, 2011). His cousins, siblings and i were drinking. Even though, I always tell Donnie how i feel about him treating me like shit, it feels like it was not enough. So, this ignorant girl, that is me, drank anything she could drink. It just took, 6 shots of mix/cocktail?, 4 shots of tequila and 2 bottles of tanduay ice for me to surrender. It was my first time ever to vomit. It was liberating and awful at the same time. I thought Donnie had my back, but he didn't even comfort me. Gosh, I was alone, vomiting. I know, Dianne's there with me in the comfort room, but i was expecting my boyfriend, to at least show any sign of care. He failed to do so. But i can't do anything. I was so drunk. I can't even look up. I just want to lie down. To Donnie's shame, he hurriedly took me to his house, and went away after. He went to another drinking session at his cousin's condo. I vomited for the second time at their house. I can't believe he was not there. I don't really feel well. He went home at around 5:30 in the morning and slept. So, we woke up at around lunch time, i smelled so bad (Mixture of sweat and puke is uncomfortable) He went to the gym and he promised that it will just take him an hour, but as usual, it did not happen. It took him four hours and i was so pissed off already. Come on, I look like crap! WTH! I thought he'll take me home so that i could take a bath. But NO. He went straight to MOA. FTW! Tell me! Can you come out looking like that? Post-drunk look? Gosh! He tells me everyday to "look pretty", but that time it's alright to look like and smell like that? Can you do that? Alam nating ikaw mas maarte sa ting dalwa, kaso, isipin mo naman? Ikaw nga bumaho lang damit mo, magpapalit ka na. Hindi pa ba enough na tinulog ko at pinagpawisan ko na yung damit ko plus yung mukha kong pangit na nga, hindi pa maaayos kahit konti? 

He broke up with me that Sunday and what you'll be reading below are all his text messages to me for that week...

Be the one to judge. I'm done questioning his stupid child-like behaviors. 

August 7, 2011

17:18 Tag ina tlga kim last na pgkkta na ntn to! Sawang sawang sawa nko sa ugali m! ayoko na tlg! Umuwi kna pls lng. Pls lng tlga.

17:20 Hndi ka tlga marunong mhiya sa pamilya ko! Ang KAPAL m sa totoo lng! I SWEAR AYOKO NA TLGA!!!


17:23 UMUWI kna pls lng tlga!!! UMUWI kna lucena!


17:26 UMUWI KNA! ! ! ! !


19:41 Umuwi kna! Tgas tlga ng ulo m!


23:36 Kim honestly speaking hndi nko masaya sa relationship ntn. Sorry.

August 8, 2011

1:02 Thanks for everything. :) take care always. Nyt. Mwah! :)


10:48 Nsa PGH ako kim. Wag m nkong intindihin pls lng. I'm ok.


10:50 kkdatng ko lng. Wag kna mkulit pls lng!


10:56 Eh d sa bahay!


11:12 Wla


From Globe
18:41 Hndi ko iniba yan kht kailan. _ _ _ _ _ _ pa dn!

August 10, 2011

13:42 Sa bhay knb? Kain kna ha.


15:41 2mwag ka nga now na!


18:35 Happy naman ako pmyag ka mgng frnds tayo. :-)


19:42 Pota 2mwag ka nga!


19:46 Tang ina bhla ka hndi m tlga ko mppsagot ng tawag m!

August 11, 2011

00:32 Good job. Goodbye na tlga kim!


2:18 Tang ina tlga!!!!!!! Tngnan m fb ko tom! Un mgcnfrm! Bastos!


6:57 Kapal ng mukha m! Mas weird ka loko! Wag knang mang istorbo pls lng.


11:12 Wla ka tlgang gnwa. Kim tapos na tlga. Tngnan m fb ko hndi ko na tlga bbguhin to. I SWEAR!


18:19 Nand2 nko sm banda. Pag nand2 ka bhay ok na.

August 12, 2011

21:17 Sungit ah. Nevermind dont bother to call. Nsbi ko lng hnhnap ka nla. Naistorbo pa kta. Sorry.

August 13, 2011

11:05 Pare what time tayo mmya?


16:26 Kapal ng mukha m! Porket 2mtwag ako feel na feel m naman!

August 14, 2011

5:49 Gus2 ko pag gcng ko nand2 ka!


13:56 Sorry. I gave you a lot of chances but still you did not do anything. Sorry nbura ko na mga pics ntn. Take care always. :-)


19:47 Pa twag ka nga


21:23 Pwede ko b txt parents m? Rep asap!


21:51 Nmi2ss m b ko?


21:54 Nice rep.


21:57 Nmi2ss dn naman kta. Kaso wla na eh. Bkit d ka nagttxt?


22:06 Ano b? Ayaw m b na ngttxt ako? Smgot ka nga!!!


22:14 tang ina ka tlga ang bastos m!!! gago ka hndi nako mgttxt tlga sayo!


22:20 Just tell your parents thanks for everything. Nyt.


22:48 2mwag ka.


23:17 hndi m alam dhl sa gngwa m mas nggng worst ung atin! Gago tngnan m mssaktan ka tlga! I SWEAR!!!


23:23 2mwag ka nga may sbhn lng ako.

August 15, 2011

5:51 Good morning honey. :) I think this is the last time na twagn ktang honey. I asked for a sign k God pero wla eh d m ngwa. Tngn ko ok kna naman and tntanggap m na dn. I just want to say sorry sa lahat ng ngwa kong kasalanan sayo alam ko mdmi un. I hope that you'll forgive me. Sana lng mgng frnds pa dn tayo kht gani2 and just txt me if you have any problem i will always be here for you. Ingat ka parati ha and pataba ka. Mwah!


6:54 Do you still love me? Twag ka nga.

"The best thing about a picture

is that it never changes,

even when the people in it do."

-Andy Warhol

100th Entry

It's my 100th entry and I don't know what to write!

I'm so tired with this packing.

I can't believe i will be hibernating from cyberspace for a while.

I already miss watching tv.

I keep remembering that time when i had chickenpox

and i watched tv all day long.

I hope I would be able to cope.

I hope it won't take too long before i can use

the internet, again.

I already miss the internet even if sometimes,

I'm bored with it already!

I miss home, already.

Homesickness! Go away! 

I feel sleepy now, but there's a lot of things to do.

But i have to do this. 

I need to help them.

I know I'm weak when it comes to these things,

but i can do this.

How One Can Make Me Feel Special.

I'm dreaming as i listen to one of my favorite songs right now. How i wish one special guy would walk-up to me singing this song. 


I could be walking or sitting somewhere. Somewhere outdoors. There would be lots of people. I don't know if I'm alone or i have a close friend with me. 


I know this person. We've been acquainted before or maybe I've seen him before. He had secretly taken pictures of me. Sounds stalker-ish right? 


So I will be walking at that specific location. Admiring the sceneries or perhaps just thinking profoundly. It's cold. The sun begins to set. The street lights will be lit. It adds a more dramatic effect on what will happen to me after a few minutes. 


I don't know but there should be a stage. So this can be a park? I don't know. 


As i walk a few steps, music begins to play. People stopped. I stopped. I looked and i saw a band playing on the stage or so i thought. We'll he doesn't have to be in a band for this just so it's clear. 


I know that song. That's one of my favorite songs. Suddenly the vocalist appeared on stage. He had this prologue saying "I offer this one to the girl of my dreams. I waited so long for this." He was so gorgeous. I can't take my eyes off him. He's like someone from my dreams. But he's familiar at the same time. 


Then, my heart skipped a beat, when i saw my pictures on screen as they play my favorite song. Beautiful stolen shots of me. I was shocked. People recognized me. They stared at me. I blushed. I was petrified but happy at the same time. My heart is beating so fast. I looked at him and i realized he's looking intently at me. He has this captivating aura, beautiful voice and enchanting eyes. I feel like passing out. It was so sweeeeeeet!!! I didn't even realized that the people went to the sides for him to give way to me.


He walked down the stairs right towards me. He's now one feet away from me. He's still looking at me. I can see the sincerity right from his eyes. I don't know what to do. He enthralled me with my favorite lyrics as he sings it in front of me. 

"I just wanna breathe in this feeling and never let it out. You just gave me something to believe in. YOU ARE THE ONE THING I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. I never thought that i would be the one to find, someone like you. Someone like you. I've led a selfish life until i realized I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU."

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's see what happens next. Ohh Love.

Emotional Abuse

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If  you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.

3 Filipinos were executed yesterday before lunch if i'm not mistaken. I'm so saddened about what happened. Though, i'm not crying anymore. I realized, i'm too attached with these kind of things. It worries me now. I should not be thiiis sensitive, ya think? I already watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.' I'm trying to love it, actually, because, you know, it's really a great movie. I just don't know why i got bored. It's a great movie, nonetheless. It's a profound movie. I'm going to love it. I love it. I'll watch it again and i'll see it. I'm now 'officially'addicted to bayw.

Nice to know: That one of the drugs used in lethal injection is Potassium Chloride which is found in EMERGENCY ROOMS as EMERGENCY DRUGS!!!! It can be found almost anywhere, actually. It is used to treat Hypokalemia! -Meaning low potassium in the blood. Abundant Potassium levels are found intracellularly while Sodium is extracellular. We can still find a bit of Sodium inside the cell and Potassium outside the cell for equilibrium. That's the normal anatomy. Safest route is p.o, oral -whatever you want to call it. Given IV comes with strict restrictions and observations. That's where we(nurses) come in and do our nursing management.   Well in this case, they're going for IV Bolus or what we call FAST DRIP!!!! CAUSING the heart to contract & contract until... It makes it seems that it's going to explode. Just imagine, the heart pumping blood in and out of the heart to the systemic circulation. The capillaries, veins and arteries WILL COLLAPSE. Bloody!

"Sticks and stones are hard on bones

Aimed with angry art,

Words can sting like anything

But silence breaks the heart."

-Phyllis Mcginley

9 DAYS TO GO BEFORE MY OATH TAKING! :)

This is actually my favorite. Err- they all are. Well, actually, everything that comes out from Jesse Eisenberg's mouth is just well-constructed and funny at the same time, for me.

Fluent. Well-expressed. Powerful. Articulate.

“I have this, like, general sense of feeling like I don’t belong, though I talked to a lot of other people who I think of as very much belonging and they have the same feeling. So I think it’s a room full of insecure actors, which is ultimately comforting.”

- Jesse Eisenberg 

‎

"No! I am, that guy is like my evil twin and that’s just Andy Samberg, those guys are such Nerds, come on, I invented Poking." -Mark Zuckerberg."

‎

Jesse Eisenberg on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I laugh so hard with this one... 

"I did get awards when I was a kid but they all said participant on them, which my mom actually told me it meant first place. So I was confused when somebody would hand me an award and they kind of apologize at the same time and say maybe you’ll do better next time. And I was thinking I just won first place, so how could I do any better? Yes. My mom raised me in a bubble of delusion. And now I’m out in the world and it’s jarring."

I was about to go to the dentist that Friday (March 11, 2011)  morning but i woke up late, as usual. So I didn't go, which made my boyfriend "mad" at me (you see- he acts as if he's always the boss and I need to follow all the things he says. No way! He's so unreasonable, don't you think? It irritates me so) It was 3 pm, i think, and he called me saying that there has been a Tsunami.

I searched it on the net, instead. There i saw on Youtube  the 8.9 magnitude earthquake followed by a tsunami that strucked Japan. I called my boyfriend, again. I told him, it's nearly impossible that the tsunami will hit the Philippines, Japan is too far and it would be coming from the north.

 ** Going back, there was a level 2 alert at 4 pm already for an upcoming tsunami (between 5 pm to 7 pm) to all the coasts of the North & South Eastern Philippines and the government forced-evacuated the people for safety. Five waves were noted, it think, and their length is less than a meter. I told you, it's too far. I'll begin to panic if the 28 feet tsunami from Japan changed to a hundred feet. It will definitely hit the Philippines and its neighboring countries.

I feel so terrible for what had happened in Japan as i watched the videos from Youtube. The earthquake was so strong, it could break all the buildings there if there weren't any rollers intact. I researched about earthquakes and read that 8 to 10 magnitude means devastation, already. Unbelievable! Nature is fuming.

So the ocean floor shifted somewhere (miles?) off the coasts of Japan, which made that daunting Tsunami, strong enough to washed off a lot of cars, ships, houses and anything that gets in the way. It's so scary to see strong currents of water grabbing a car that weighs how many tons, again? But anyway, what more if that's only a person? I wonder how the people reacted to that splashing water while it took them circling around with automobiles and debris. They must have been screaming for help. I feel so depressed for what they had been through. The children? The elderly? How cruel that must be.

The whirlpool even gave me goosebumps. I wonder, what are the mysteries under the sea? We don't know what's happening there every second and we can't observed that vast body of water that encapsulate the globe.

I read from an article today that Japan has been experiencing a total of 150 aftershocks... and still counting. The strongest one in record is a 6.2 magnitude earthquake. Okay that's really close to 7 . There were false alarms for possible Tsunami hit, again. I don't blame them. They've been through enough. **Please stop mother nature. What have we done to offend you?** People are still in shock and they are running out of supplies for food, water and everything that a human needs to survive. It's really cold and there's no electricity, meaning there are no heaters to keep them warm, they might suffer hypothermia. There's no cellular phones signal, that's why it's really difficult to keep in touch with their relatives. No new clean clothes to wear. There's an inadequate amount of gasoline now. How can the cars function without it? I've heard, all they're eating are instant noodles. Okay they're Japanese and they're well known to love noodles. But instant noodles everyday? That's not healthy.

My gosh. The fear. The trauma. Let's pray for Japan. Let's work together to restore their life and hope for good health.
----------------------------------------------------------------

That night, he broke up with me and i was like-- okay. I find it comforting that I'm not bothered anymore about his attitude because I'm really fed-up. It's a nice feeling. I know now how to handle myself. He's so arrogant. How dare him broke up with me over and over again? Are you a girl or something? What an attitude! I'm done with you. If you don't want me, so be it, so much for me doing everything for this relationship to work. It's not healthy anymore and you're not deserving. I deserve someone who will treat me right. I hate your manners. It's like you're not even Catholic. You pray and go to church every Sunday but you act atheistic? My gosh!  You studied in a Catholic school but it seems like you didn't study 'Good Manners and Right Conduct!' You know what your problems ARE? You act as if you're thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis tall and that you're superior to everyone. I know men are egotistic but yours is just waaaaay beyond. You don't even respect your parents and your parents don't punish you for it (Kung kay mama ka nasampal ka na). That's why you're like that. Spoiled brat! I did my best. You're just really more worse than i thought. I love you, but you treat me like trash and I don't want that. I hope you learned a lot from your experiences with me. You don't know how to give importance to a person. It's not my problem if you'll never change. You keep on lying and denying. You know? -- to change means accepting what you've done is wrong. But your pride just won't make it.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I was internet surfing at 1 am in the morning when i read an article, again, that the nuclear Power Plant of Japan just exploded. I though it was an old news but i saw "35 minutes ago" written after the title. The first thing that came into my mind is 'radiation'. I searched for pictures and it confirmed that there was an explosion. That was so unpredictable and utterly ill-fated. I feel bad for the country. They've just been through a horrible nightmare then after one day, this explosion took place. Japan's government were already overwhelmed by the tsunami, what more when that nuclear explosion happened? It all came so suddenly. The world is not prepared for this. The Japanese government can't even provide the supplies that the people needed and we can't blame them. They said, they're running out of body bags and that's just heartbreaking.

*I'm tired of playing Farmville, Cityville and Treasure Isle on Facebook, just now.

*Remind me to watch Black Swan, The King's Speech, Zombieland, Adventureland and The Roommate...

*I really need to go to the dentist now. I swear i'm going tomorrow.  I swear. I really need to go. Tomorrow's like my deadline for my teeth fixation.

*That means, i need to go to sleep early tonight and i need to stop downloading, blogging, researching and playing Facebook games because it's addictive and tiring at the same time. I don't want to wake up at 1 pm again.

*For now, I'm not going to sleep. I need to wake hun up by 6 am and it's already 4:15 am. I'm not sleepy actually. I'm gonna try not to sleep so that i would sleep early tonight. Hopefully.

*I can't believe my video downloader is about to expire. I think, i only have 4 days to go. But i need to lessen my downloads today or else i'm gonna be addicted again and i can't gamble this day for i really really need to go to the dentist tomorrow. Uninstall then install, again.

*Oh no. My laptop. I need to turn off my laptop already.

*Well maybe, i'm going to sleep after i woke hun up. I need to wake him up. He has this rtd thingy today. I wish him luck. I love my boyfriend, it's just that he treats me bad and i'm letting him.

*btw i really want to experience blogging in the morning not in the afternoon, or at night or at dawn. Hopefully! Fingers crossed.